Faux Pas
by AzzyDarling
Summary: John Shepard was a ruthless man, a career soldier unwilling to compromise, but ready to carry out any campaign his King entrusted to him. There was no doubt that he got results, he was a man of action who seemed to know his King's mind. He had not always been like that, once he had been a fearful and angry child, but those days were long forgotten and no one dared remind him. M/M
1. Chapter 1

This project has been some time in the making, but who cares? Now it's here, and we really hope you will like it. And like any other fic I wrote, I ask that you read the warnings. Damn I suck at writing these intro things. xD Thanks to AsylumFarm for the betawork. Illustrated by the fantastic Maxxiedemon

_**Loss is nothing else but change, and change is nature's delight. - Marcus Aurelius **_

John Shepard was a ruthless man, a career soldier unwilling to compromise, but ready to carry out any campaign his King entrusted to him. There was no doubt that he got results, he was a man of action who seemed to know his King's mind. He had not always been like that, once he had been a fearful and angry child, but those days were long forgotten and no one dared remind him.

Knight-Commander Shepard was larger than life as he arrived alongside his King, their campaign successful, and the enemy culled. Being a soldier to the bone, he knew all too well the importance of leaving the war at the battlefield, and as he jumped off his horse, he had a bounce in his step as if he had not a care in the world. Walking straight for his living quarters he yearned for a warm bath and a real meal, but as he opened the door, what met him was his wife, Lady Jaqueline with two other ladies from the court, giggling and whispering.

"Ladies," Shepard said, and nodded towards them, he knew that he ought to greet them but he just could not be bothered.

"Husband," Lady Jaqueline said, with a forced smile, watching him as he disappeared into the next room. "I trust your campaign was victorious?"

Shepard did not answer, he just sat down on their bed, unclasped his breastplate and let it fall to the ground as he pulled off his boots. His entire body was aching and tired, and he felt years older than what he was. He heard Jaqueline send off the other ladies and the door close. He didn't even open his eyes as she entered the bedroom.

"You are filthy," She said softly. "Must you lie on our bed?"

Shepard felt like whining like a petulant child, but he summoned all his willpower and smiled, "You could get down here with me, and I could make you filthy too."

Lady Jaqueline chuckled, "Always the charmer."

"You love me," Shepard mumbled.

"I must, because if I did not I would surely have you taken from my personal chambers." She jested, sitting down on the bed, and placing a hand on Shepard's grimy one. "Let me call someone to draw a bath for you."

"That would be nice." Shepard agreed, listening to his wife's soft footsteps as she left the room. He must have dozed off because when she came back and woke him, the bath was already waiting for him. "Come," She urged. "Your bath is ready."

"Thank you," Shepard groaned with a tired smile, slowly getting up stretching his back. He undid the buckles of his chainmail and left it on the bed. He would have to come back and gather his armor, but right now, it had to wait. He sat down on a chair next to the bath in their main living area and pulled off his pants and shirt. Stepping down into the hot bath, h thought he should get the doctors to look at his shoulder that was misbehaving, but it had to wait, he needed this ritual to cleanse himself from battle. It was more than to wash off the dried blood and grime, it was like washing off the battle itself. As if the water had rejuvenating abilities and he was born again when he arose.

"Husband?" Lady Jaqueline asked softly, coming over to the bath carrying a bar of soap. "You never answered me, was your campaign victorious?"

"Yes." Shepard said. Closing his eyes again, he leaned forward so Lady Jaqueline could wash his back.

"You didn't escape without wounds I see," She said carefully soaping up his back, neck and hair.

"One never does, dear wife." He answered closing his eyes in bliss as her long fingers worked his scalp.

"I think some of them are infected," She stated. Shepard chose to ignore it, and just enjoy the soft touch. Lady Jaqueline took a deep breath and said, "John?"

"What is a matter my dear?" Shepard mumbled.

"Did you get a chance to talk to the King? About you know..."

"No."

"I am beginning to wonder if you really want this or not." Lady Jaqueline said, finally abandoning her massage.

"Oh Jacqueline, my dear, dear wife," Shepard sighed, finally opening his eyes and looking over at his wife sitting in a chair next to the bathtub. "I want to ask him, but it's just never the right moment." Lady Jaqueline opened her mouth to say something but Shepard held up a hand to silence her, "Believe me, the battlefield is not the right place for such a talk."

Lady Jaqueline frowned, "It's never the right place for that talk, is it?" She sneered.

Shepard groaned, and Lady Jaqueline got up and stomped out of the room angrily. Shepard didn't call out for her, he knew she'd come around eventually, and really she was right. He had promised to ask the King for an application, signed by him, allowing them to have a child. Surely, the ministry for family affairs wouldn't deny it with the King's signature on it. Shepard closed his eyes frowning, he wasn't even sure how she roped him into asking for something like that, he must have been drunk and she must have been doing wicked things to him. She knew he'd agree to anything if she did it just right. It angered him that he had been tricked into asking the King for something like this, but on the other hand, he knew that Lady Jaqueline really wanted a child. Truthfully, he had been postponing it, he knew how rare it was that a biotic was allowed a child, even if they filed application after application. He was quite sure that Lady Jaqueline knew this too, and what if she was denied her wish, even with the Kings signature? Then what? Would she demand that they leave the comforts of court and go back to where she was born and lived in hiding to have an illegal child? Would she just leave him if she didn't get her permit? He didn't know, but he knew he had to do something, and whatever happened, happened.

Shepard got out of the water and stepped across the floor, getting water all over Lady Jaqueline's damn expensive carpets, but he couldn't care less. He got dressed with his head full of thoughts, what if the ABM had agents in the ministry of family affairs, then all applying was futile. Just a couple of years ago the ABM had seemed like a group of crazy bigots, but they had all underestimated that people who don't know better tend to fear what they do not understand. No one understood why some people were born with biotic powers and some were not. The ABM wanted to account for all biotics, and the first time they had suggested that, most people had laughed and thought it ridiculous, but it was a reality now. The ABM really wanted to register all biotics, starting in the small, making sure they had to register or their entire family would be fined heavily. As a registered biotic you had to ask for permission to procreate, because what if your child had the 'gift' as well? No one knew how this carried over, if it was just a freak of nature, or if it was hereditary. Shepard buttoned up his shirt and pulled out a pair of soft boots from the dresser. It felt heavenly to wear something that was light and soft, now that he had been wearing that battle armor for so long.

The night was cold for summer time, but the great halls were like an oven. People were laughing, dancing, and sweating, all in a room without any real air. Shepard almost wished he could return outside, when one of the other commanders saw him and he was caught up in polite greetings on his way to the table overflowing with food and wine. He chatted and laughed, while eating, actively ignoring his wife's angry glare from across the room.

Shepard did not notice a different pair of brown eyes following his every move from the shadows. With a soft puzzled little smile, Kaidan wondered how the Knight-Commander's wife could be upset with him, he just returned from battle like a hero, shining brighter than a star. Kaidan watched as a beautiful young man came and filled the Knight-Commander's glass. He noticed the smile they exchanged and it made him look away. It stirred something in his chest, it was all too familiar and spoke of an intimacy that Kaidan didn't know, but still it intrigued him. He watched as the Knight-Commander bowed for a lady and then hauled her into the dance, what Kaidan wouldn't give to dance like that again, with the ease and entitlement that the Knight-Commander did.

"Brother Alenko." The man next to Kaidan said, "It's getting late, we should return to the temple."

"Yes," Kaidan said softly. He knew he was torturing himself by hiding here in the back, staring at the Knight-Commander. He would be a liar if he didn't admit that he was glad that he returned to court unharmed, and that he worried how many times he would do that. Someday his day would come, like Kaidan's father had said when Kaidan was a child, 'live by the sword, die by the sword, my son.' and in those words lay the wish that he'd much rather see his sons turn into politicians and scholars than soldiers.

Shepard had noticed from the corner of his eye that Lady Jaqueline had left the feast. It made him relax a little since it seemed like she would not continue their discussion here in the midst of court. He was falling down tired, but he would wait a little longer, have another drink and hope she would be asleep when he got back to their chambers. He took his glass and went outside to the courtyard to get some cooler air. Two priests walked across the yard, he nodded and smiled as he sat down on a stone bench, resting his feet.

"Knight-Commander?" One of the priests said, making Shepard look up, "Welcome back, and congratulations on the victory."

Shepard smiled, "Thank you, brother. But it's hardly my glory, there was an entire army, and his Majesty is quite a skilled swordsman as well."

"Oh I didn't mean to offend Sir, I just - "

"Do not worry Brother, you didn't offend," Shepard said with an amused grin. "Thank you for your concern, it is very kind of you." He took a sip of his wine.

"There you Knight-Commander." The young man from the feast said with a little out of breath grin, sitting down on the bench next to Shepard.

"Here I am," Shepard stated with a drunken grin. "I was just having a conversation with brother, uhm.." He gestured towards Kaidan.

"Alenko, Sir." Kaidan said.

"Brother Alenko." Shepard repeated, "And he has shown more genuine concern for my person, than anyone else around here has, including my wife. And I am guessing what brings you out here isn't concern for my wellbeing either." He raised one eyebrow, staring directly at the young man.

"Sort of," The young man said. "But I came with more of a healing of the soul, request."

"Ah." Shepard said with an amused shake of his head, "So you think you'd be better at soothing my troubled soul than a priest?"

"Yes," The young man said. "Because I know what you need," He smiled knowingly. "And want."

"True." Shepard grinned, he turned to Kaidan and smiled. "Forgive me brother, you lost me to temptation." He stood up from the bench and placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "I bid you a goodnight Brother, and I honestly appreciate your concern."

"You are welcome Knight-Commander, sir." Kaidan mumbled, hoping that the night would disguise his discomfort of the situation.

"Come, Shepard," The young man grinned, grabbing Shepard's hand hauling him off. "You can come too if you want to priest!" The young man called.

Kaidan just looked away and started to walk back to the temple, his cheeks ablaze.

"Must you torment the poor man?" Shepard argued behind Kaidan.

"I wasn't tormenting him, it was a serious offer." The young man laughed.

Shepard had not been waiting for long when the guard called for him to enter the Kings chambers. He did not know what the King wished of him, he hoped it was not a new campaign so soon, his entire body still felt like it had gone through a wringer, and Lady Jaqueline was still upset with him. If he left now for more glory on the battlefield, he was not sure she would remain at his side, and wait for his return. DE put those thoughts aside and bowed as he saw the King sit at his table, idly picking at some food. "Your, Majesty," Shepard said.

"Ah, Shepard, Come sit," King James gestured to Shepard to take the seat opposite him. "I trust your return was welcome."

"Yes, Your Majesty," Shepard said with a careful smile.

James laughed softly. "Any soldier loves his duty on the battlefield, but loves the brief downtime even more." He took a sip from his cup. "Shepard I called on you because I have a task for you, one which I can trust to none else."

"Yes?"

"It's the Queen, she is not happy. I believe some time away from court will do her good," James said with a sigh. "The doctors say that time in the countryside might aid her fertility, and I want my future heirs' mother to be healthy."

"Naturally, my King," Shepard said, wondering if now would be a good time to present Jaqueline's petition, but he decided against it because King James looked so tired and worried. Naturally, he was worried that his beautiful wife had not yet given him an heir, they had been married for two years and people were starting to wonder. He needed an heir, and Shepard knew this. Much was at stake for the Queen, and to Shepard it seemed that the King genuinely loved the Queen, so of course he felt torn because eventually he would have to get himself another wife should the Queen turn out to be barren. A Queen did not have many goals in life or chores that she had to see through, her only tasks were to look pretty, and carry heirs for her King. Queen Miranda was pretty, but that did not help her much if she was unable to carry heirs for her King. Shepard could tell that his King felt conflicted about all this, and just gave him a sympathetic smile when he could have spoken on Jaqueline's behalf. "What do you need of me?"

"I need you to escort the Queen to her uncle's summer residence, maybe some time of quiet and sun will do her some good," King James said as he pushed the plate away.

"Yes, my King," Shepard said. "When do you wish for me to depart?"

"Tomorrow morning," The King said. "I have yet to tell the Queen." His smile was amused, but his eyes were sad.

"Do not worry, my King, I will safeguard her to her uncle's summer residence, and see to it that she settles before I return," Shepard stated with a steady voice.

"I knew I could count on you, Shepard," King James said with a relieved sigh. "I will make sure your wife is compensated with gifts."

"Thank you, your majesty," Shepard said with a heartfelt smile. Maybe Lady Jaqueline would forgive him just a little bit.

"I know wives," King James said, getting up from his chair. He walked over to a cabinet, Shepard just watched as he brought back a beautiful necklace. "Give this to her, and tell her that she will be given more upon your departure."

"It is beautiful, Your Majesty," Shepard said holding out his hand to receive the necklace, studying it. "Thank you and bless you my King," He said as he closed his fingers around the necklace.

"I will see you and the Queen off tomorrow," The King said. "Thank you, Shepard."

Shepard studied the necklace as he walked back to his private chambers, a necklace however beautiful would probably not soothe Lady Jaqueline's anger, but the King had given him a task, and he was going to see it through no matter if his wife liked it or not. He opened the door and saw her sit there alone writing something he could only assume was a journal or a letter. "Darling?" He called out. "Could we have some civilized words?"

"Of course," Lady Jaqueline said, turning around to face him. "You come from the King?"

"I do," Shepard said, holding out his hand with the necklace. "He gave me this to give to you."

"Truthfully?" Lady Jaqueline gave her husband with a suspicious glare.

"Cross my heart," Shepard said stepping around his wife to dress her in the necklace. Closing the clasp, he wrapped his arms around her, and rested his chin on her shoulder. "There is something I must tell you, this gift does not come without strings, please don't be upset with me, King James gave you this gift to soothe your temper so you might forgive me for leaving again, when I only just arrived."

Lady Jaqueline sighed. "Did you talk to him about the application?"

"It slipped my mind," Shepard said, knowing that his lie sounded weak, even to him. "Please, darling, don't be mad, I will be back soon. And when I report back to the King, I will remember to ask him."

"John?" Lady Jaqueline turned in her seat, looking straight at her husband. "Tell me the truth, do you even want a child? Or are you just humoring me?"

"Oh Jaqueline, where do those dark thoughts come from? Of course I want a child." He kissed her jaw. "I want to watch you grow heavy with my son." He kissed her neck. "We will be a family, trust me."

"I do," Lady Jaqueline closed her eyes and relaxed in Shepard's arms. "I love you."

"I love you too," Shepard mumbled.

"Stop," Lady Jaqueline whispered, pushing Shepard's hand away as he pushed her dress up to access her thighs under all the fabric. "Stop!"

Shepard sighed and removed his hand, resting his forehead against her shoulder. "We could -"

"No," She said. "I told you, get the -"

"I know," Shepard sighed deeper. He knew that Lady Jaqueline was deadly afraid of getting pregnant, and if they did not have the application, she could risk imprisonment and her pregnancy terminated. In addition, should their application for a child be denied, and she got pregnant anyway, she would destroy them all. Such was the power of those few members of the ABM, who were in the ministry of family, and the ministry of crime and punishment. Not to mention those in national affairs. It was a desperate situation, which in the end meant that they both ignored the lovers they each kept, when all Shepard really wanted, was his wife. He understood perfectly why she would invite a lady from the court or two to her bed, he left her alone for far too long when he was on campaigns. In turn he turned all his frustration elsewhere, be it a lover in bed, or a foe to kill with his sword. "If you'd only let me-."

"No," Lady Jaqueline said twisting out of Shepard's arms and got to her feet. "So where does this task take you? And how long will you be gone this time?"

Shepard slipped into her abandoned chair, adjusting his pants a little, as he sat. "I am to escort the Queen. And I do not know when I will be back."

Lady Jaqueline sighed but studied her mirror image with the necklace in the mirror. "It's a beautiful necklace."

"Yes," Shepard said. "It suits you perfectly." He smiled at his wife.

"Flatterer," Lady Jaqueline smiled at the mirror image of Shepard behind her. "When will you leave?"

"Tomorrow morning," Shepard said.

"Fine," Lady Jaqueline said, but her expression gave away that she was not okay with it.

Shepard looked down at his feet. "What if I promise to go talk to the Senior Priest? I know he is against the ABM, and maybe he can help with smoothing the process. Surely not all in the ministry of family affairs can be against us."

"You are right," Lady Jaqueline said. "Yes, try that, maybe the Senior Priest will help."

Kaidan was helping a brother take away the used candles in the temple, and light new ones, when he heard the Senior Priest arguing with someone in hushed angry voices. He looked around the corner and saw the back of a man he knew well, he looked over at the brother quickly, before he tiptoed closer, candles in hand so it looked like he was working and not prying. Truth was he was curious about what could aggravate the Senior Priest so.

"Surely you can do something," Shepard argued.

"I can remind certain members of their humanity, which is all I can do Knight-Commander," the Senior Priest said, firmly.

Shepard growled angrily and shook his head. "Do you realize what this means? It means I cannot lay with my wife, it means that she has been angry with me for the last year at least because I failed to obtain an application for her. All she wants is a baby, and all I want is my wife. Surely you can understand that?"

The Senior Priest looked less than impressed but nodded. "I understand your dilemma Knight-Commander, but I already gave you my answer."

"Alright," Shepard said with a forced smile. "I would be forever grateful for whatever help you can provide, Your Holiness."

"Good day, Knight-Commander," the Senior Priest said.

"Good day, Your Holiness," Shepard said turning around and walking towards the exit, his hands balled up so tight his knuckles were white.

Shepard stood and waited for the Queen with her servants, the King arrived with her. Shepard smiled and bowed. "Your Majesties," He said, hearing the rustle of fabric that told him everyone else bowed with him.

"Knight-Commander," The Queen said. "Stand."

Shepard stood and held out his arm for the Queen to take it. "My Queen, it's not a long ride, there is nothing you should worry about."

"I am not worried, Knight-Commander," Queen Miranda said steering them towards her horse.

Shepard dared not look back at the King as he aided the Queen to her saddle. "Very well, my Queen, are you comfortable?"

"I am, can we leave?"

"Yes, my Queen," Shepard said and went for his own horse where King James stood waiting. "She did not take the news as well as I had hoped."

"I am sure she will forgive you as soon as she has rested, my King," Shepard said with a respectful bow.

"Let's hope so," King James said nodding. "Safe journey, Shepard. I know she is in the very best hands when you are here."

"I will protect her with my life, my King," Shepard said, and when the King did not say more, he mounted his horse, riding alongside the Queen out of the castle.

Queen Miranda's uncle was a councilman of the ministry of crime and punishment, and even Shepard thought he was intimidating. Lord Donnel Udina had a lifetime of politics behind him, and many years in front of him as well. He could sell you seawater on a sinking boat, and Shepard always both feared and admired men with silvered tongues like that. He had learned from his first encounters with court that you had to be careful around them, that much was certain.

Shepard made sure that the Queen's servants had settled in, but he had not seen the Queen since their arrival. "Sir?" A young maid called. "Sir?" Shepard turned around and smiled at her. "Yes? Is something amiss?"

"No sir, but the matron asks if you are hungry after your travels," The young maid nodded eagerly. "She wishes for you to come to the kitchens and get a serving of food and a glass of wine before you travel back to the royal court."

Shepard smiled wider. "Tell your matron that I am famished, and I would love to have some food."

"Thank you sir," The young maid said bowing and scurried back to the kitchen.

Shepard walked back to the kitchen, taking a bowl of food and a glass of wine, one of the kitchen maids offered him while the matron finished the pies she was preparing for dinner.

"How come you do not eat with the lordship?" The young maid asked, looking at Shepard.

"Seryna!" The matron hissed at her. "Leave the Knight-Commander to his meal."

"Forgive me, matron."

Shepard smiled at the girl again. "Because I am not one of them." He picked some chicken off his plate and ate it.

The young maid Seryna looked over her shoulder at the matron, and then sat down next to Shepard eager to hear more. "But you ride next to the Queen, and you are -"

"Seryna! I won't say it again," The matron yelled. "I am sorry Knight-Commander, she is a simple girl and has the mind of a wet rock, but works like a horse."

Shepard laughed softly. "I don't mind." He turned to Seryna. "All those lords and ladies in there," He nodded towards the door. "They are all lords by blood, their titles were passed down to them." He sipped his wine. "I am just a servant, much like you. So I eat in the kitchen."

"Oh?" Seryna looked puzzled, but accepted the answer.

"Forgive me for asking Knight-Commander, but do you know when you return to the royal courts? I need to know if I should make another bed for the night," The matron asked, wiping her hands in her apron.

"I plan on returning tonight, there is no need for you to make a bed for me," Shepard smiled.

Shepard finished his meal and went to the stables to have someone ready his horse. Then he went in search of Lord Udina or the Queen to announce that he was leaving. He could hear music and figured that he would find them there. All those fancy rooms with pretty paintings and heavy drapes always made him feel out of place, he stood in the door for a little while just listening to the music. Lord Udina turned his head when he noticed Shepard in the doorframe. "Knight-Commander Shepard, come sit."

"My Lord," Shepard said, inching into the room. "Forgive me for intruding, but I came to announce my departure."

"Departure?" Queen Miranda asked surprised. "You are leaving?"

"Yes, my Queen, my task was to escort you here safely, and return." Shepard bowed at his Queen out of habit more than anything else.

"Don't," Queen Miranda said. "Stay for a few days, maybe the countryside would do you good as well." She nodded at her uncle. "Doesn't he look gaunt uncle? Can he stay some time before he must return to the court?"

Udina nodded, and Shepard smiled politely. "In that case, my Queen, my lords, I would be delighted."

"Great!" Queen Miranda smiled. "Come, let me take you to the matron, so she can make you a bed for your stay." She got up and took Shepard's arm, leading him out of the room.

Shepard was confused. "There is no need, my Queen, I know where to find the matron."

"Hush, Shepard," She smiled a friendly, intimate smile at the Knight-Commander as she used his name instead of title. "I was bored to tears in there."

"Oh..." Shepard chuckled. "in that case my Queen, carry on."

"Matron?!" Queen Miranda called, searching the kitchen. "Where is that damn woman? Matron!"

The Matron came out from the gardens with her hands full of dead chickens. "My Queen," She bowed.

"Aw come now Matron, you have known me since I was a little girl, there is no need for all that," Queen Miranda laughed merrily.

"People who forget proper etiquette can quickly find themselves on the gallows hill. Better safe than sorry." The Matron said, but shot Queen Miranda a motherly smile. "What will it be my dear?"

"My uncle and I persuaded the Knight-Commander to stay a few days. Could you have one of the girls make up a bed for him for a couple of nights?" Queen Miranda asked.

The Matron shot Shepard a glare but then smiled. "Of course my dear."

"Thank you."

The first night Shepard felt bad because he had promised Lady Jaqueline he would be home as soon as possible, but on the other hand, who was he to deny his Queen his time? If she wanted him to stay, he would stay. However, as he walked outside that first day, the wind and sun on his face, he knew exactly why Queen Miranda had suggested it. It had been ages since he had last enjoyed the countryside, it had to be at least four years ago, before either he or King James married. Back when King James was more interested in hunting parties and loose women than war and politics. He missed those days, but he also knew that even if he did suggest King James go for a hunting trip for a few days with his old crew of mates, it would never be the same. They were all lords and politicians, and they had maybe in some aspects just grown up. Still he missed the times when they could afford to be just James and John, get shitfaced drunk and hunt deer. Not a worry in the world.

The last couple of years his life had been nothing but war, and the brief downtime between battles. In the two years he had been married to Lady Jaqueline, he had been at her side for maybe five months total. Had he known what it meant for them that she is a Biotic, would he still have married her? If he was being completely honest with himself, probably not. In the beginning, it had not really bothered either of them that they could not have conventional intercourse, they had just changed the rules in their marriage bed, and there were other ways of fucking than the most common. He could have died happy like that, he did not miss conventional intercourse, Lady Jaqueline was amazingly flexible and had the most wicked tongue he had ever met. Eventually she had stopped enjoying his touch, she had rejected his every advance, and grown more and more miserable. It had not dawned on him that she might feel like she was missing out on something, and the fear of pregnancy became the intense wish for a child. Shepard closed his eyes and just enjoyed the warmth of the sun on his face, when he returned from this trip he would give her what she wanted, and maybe then, she would not be so miserable.

"Good morning, Shepard," Queen Miranda said with a smile, sitting down next to him.

"My Queen," Shepard smiled and sat up. "What brings you out here?"

"Pardon me, but did you really go hunting with James when you were younger?" The Queen asked

"I did," Shepard said. "He is a gifted hunter, my Queen."

"So I heard, but I also heard from Lord Taylor, and Lord Cortez that so are you." Queen Miranda smiled knowingly. "Take me hunting, Shepard."

"Of course, my Queen," Shepard said.

"Come then," Queen Miranda took his hand again and hauled him off with her.

"Wait, wait," Shepard laughed. "A hunt takes preparation... we cannot just..."

"I already took care of that," Queen Miranda laughed. "I just needed you to come along."

"Cunning, my Queen," Shepard chuckled as he let her take him to the hunting party, which waited for them.

Three days passed and every day Queen Miranda and Shepard would venture out, exploring the woods. This day the Matron had packed a giant picnic basket that they brought along, since the Queen had planned on learning how to fish, and the lake was quite far way away.

As they rode through the forest Shepard felt almost melancholy, he was going to miss the freedom and the informality of this place when he returned to the castle.

"Say, can I ask you a personal question Shepard?" Queen Miranda asked.

"Yes, my Queen," Shepard said, looking over his shoulder at Queen Miranda that rode at his side.

"Why are you and the King estranged?"

"Oh," Shepard looked down at his hands holding the reins of his horse. "When the prince became the king, I became his loyal servant instead of -" He smiled sadly. "I love King James dearly and would still lay down my life for him, make no mistake, my Queen."

"Is that a threat?"

"Not the slightest my Queen, it's a statement." He nodded to himself.

"Do you ever miss him?" The Queen asked.

Shepard nodded, but did not vocalize it. The Queen looked up and down the seasoned soldier at her side. "How come you are not a lord with your own lands, like the rest of the Kings personal circle?"

Shepard chuckled. "I would be a terrible politician, and an even worse Lord." He looked over at the Queen who just shook her head amused. "Come now Shepard, the real reason," Shepard sighed. "Alright, I am not a noble, like the rest of them. That is why."

"You're not?" The Queen asked surprised, she had just never given it thought.

"No," Shepard stated. "The King's old wet-nurse adopted me, that is how I ended up in court."

"Interesting, so you were always a servant." She pondered upon this a little and then asked. "And your wife? Is she a commoner too?"

Shepard felt a weird pang of shame because Jaqueline would absolutely hate to be called a commoner. "Yes, she is the daughter of a merchant. But I beg you my Queen, do not tell anyone this, she would be absolutely devastated if this got out."

"At ease Shepard, we are just talking. You can trust me," Queen Miranda said softly.

Funny how at peace Shepard felt while lying there in the grass watching the horses trot about. He was hearing the birds and insects of the forest and nothing else. No stink like in the city, and no constant noise like at court. Just peace. For a short moment, he wondered if he should suggest to Lady Jaqueline to move far out into the countryside and raise their child. He could not imagine anything more idyllic and peaceful.

"This is the life," The Queen sighed.

Shepard chuckled and turned his head to look at Queen Miranda flat on her back to his right. "It is indeed lovely." Shepard bit his lip and sat up. "My Queen, would it be too much to ask you for a personal favor?" There! He has said it, if she said no he would just let it all rest, and accept it when Lady Jaqueline left him, because he was quite sure she would unless he solved the baby problem.

"Of course. Can't say I will grant it to you unless I hear what it is though."

"My wife… Shepard had to take a deep breath. "My wife is a Biotic, and all she wants is a child. We applied many times but either no answer was given or it was rejected for some procedural error. I have been meaning to ask the King for months, but the right time was just never there, he seems so troubled already and I did not want to trouble him with my personal issues. What I am asking of you my Queen, is would you please sign the application? Maybe they will let us through and grant Lady Jaqueline a permit for a child if it has your blessing, your signature on it."

Queen Miranda sat silent for a while, and then nodded. "Of course I will sign it for her if you just bring me the application."

"Thank you!" Shepard let out a breath he had been holding, waiting for an answer. He leaned in and took the wine, pouring them both another glass.

"Call me Miranda," Queen Miranda said.

"No, I can't my Queen," Shepard said handing her, her cup.

"Come now Shepard, who should hear us?" Miranda chuckled. "I want to hear you say it. Say my name."

Shepard looked up at her alarmed, but relaxed when he saw the soft slightly tipsy smile on her lips. Acting on an impulse, he reached over and took her hand, kissing her knuckles briefly. "My name is John, pleased to meet you, Miranda."

Queen Miranda laughed merrily. "Enchanté John." She held up her glass for him to toast. "To the King."

"To the King," Shepard echoed and toasted.

Queen Miranda wiped her mouth discreetly with the back of her hand. "How does your wife deal with you being gone for so long, when you accompany the King on campaigns?"

"She..." Shepard took a sip of his wine. "She takes lovers."

"And you allow this?"

"I do," Shepard said with a nod.

"I trust you do the same then?" Queen Miranda asked with a curious smile.

"On occasion," Shepard said with a slight embarrassed smile. "Why do you ask me that my Queen?"

"Forgot my name already?" Queen Miranda jested. "I ask you because..." She put down her cup and looked at Shepard. "Do you find me beautiful?"

"Ex-excuse me?" Shepard stammered.

Queen Miranda's smile widened. "If I were not married, would you find me beautiful? Would you seduce me and take me to bed?"

"I.. ehm." Shepard looked away from the Queen. "Please my Queen, don't make me answer that."

"But I am," Queen Miranda insisted. "Did I grow out of my youth? Please Shepard I have to know, and I don't know any other men I could ask."

"You are a very beautiful woman, my Queen," Shepard said. "You have nothing to worry about."

"Thank you Shepard," Queen Miranda said.

"Can I ask why you'd ask me that, my Queen?" Shepard asked curiously, sipping his wine.

"You trusted me, I will trust you," Queen Miranda paused and locked gaze with Shepard. "The king has lost interest in me, and I don't know what I did wrong." She blinked fat tears from her eyes, born from months of keeping it inside, and alcohol.

Shepard froze for a second, not sure what to do with a crying Queen. He figured that besides her title she was a woman like any other, so he shifted his seat to come closer to her, gently wiping tears off her cheeks. "I am sure he is just preoccupied, my Queen," He said softly. "He loves you dearly, I am sure of it."

"Then why did he send me from his side?" Queen Miranda cried.

"Because he was sure that life at court made you miserable," Shepard said softly, sucking in his breath as the Queen leaned against him, crying against his chest. He wrapped a stiff arm around her, constantly aware that she could be a cunning vixen whom tested his loyalty or... Would she be crying her heart out against his shirt? He did not think so.

"What will happen when he discovers that I am barren?" She cried. "He will take another wife, and then what will become of me?"

Shepard wrapped his arms around her, soothing her the best he could. "I do not know," Shepard mumbled, because he was all too aware that it mattered little how much love was between them if she could not preform her duties. They sat for a long time as Queen Miranda stopped crying. "Lady Jaqueline is lucky to have you."

"I'm not sure she would agree with you, my Queen," Shepard said softly. Shifting uncomfortably as Miranda pressed closer to him.

"You said I was beautiful," Queen Miranda said in a near whisper. "Do you desire me?"

"Please, my Queen," Shepard almost whined. "Any man in their right mind would desire you." Queen Miranda grabbed Shepard's wrist and placed his hand on her breast. Shepard was torn between knowing that he should escape this situation and wanting to feel the soft skin he was sure was under all that fabric. "It is a dangerous game you play my Queen," He whispered.

"I know," Queen Miranda whispered back, sighing blissfully as Shepard's hand slid her dress down over her shoulder, exposing her breast to the air and his exploring fingers.

As they rode home, Shepard knew he had to leave this very night, the Queen might not see this the same way he did, but he had let himself be tempted to go along with her desperate loneliness. She was not only the wife of his oldest friend, but she was also the Queen. She had not rejected him, but had spurred him on, he asked himself how he should have been able to withstand that, a beautiful lady like the Queen, hoisting up her dress and effortlessly guiding his cock inside her. A part of Shepard just wanted to tackle her off the horse and have another go.

"What is on your mind, Shepard?" Queen Miranda asked merrily.

"Oh just wondering what story we should come up with, when we arrive home without a single fish to show for it," Shepard said.

"Leave that to me," Queen Miranda said with a little smile.


	2. Chapter 2

No art for this chapter.

Shepard returned to court, eager to show Lady Jaqueline that he got the Queens signature on the application. She might be upset with him for staying away for longer than he had said he would, but surely, this would soothe her temper. He wondered what all those people were doing in the courtyard; carts filled with people, servants. "Hey you," He asked a soldier who walked past him. "What is all this about?" He nodded over towards the cart. "Where are all those people being sent off to?"

The soldier shrugged. "We were just told to rally some specific people up."

"Alright," Shepard said, looking over his shoulder once more at the cart leaving, and the next being filled slowly. Whatever it was he would find out eventually. First his wife, then the temple to pay penance for his trespassing at the Udina summer residence, and then he would figure out what this exodus was all about. He literally took two steps at a time up the stairs to his private chambers. He was pretty far down the hall when he heard Lady Jaqueline's voice arguing angrily. What in the nine hells were going on? Shepard sprinted to his rooms only to find the door open, and found Lady Jaqueline in a corner, her Biotics flaring around her like a crazy electric sea, three soldiers around her, one holding a scroll. "State your business," Shepard bellowed, making all four people look over at him.

"Thank Arterius," The soldier said with the scroll sighed relief. "I have a list -"

"John!" Lady Jaqueline called. "If any of them as much as breathe on me wrong, I will kill them where they stand." Shepard held out his hand to calm his wife, though secretly he didn't think he would ever get enough of seeing her like that, all bristled up and angry like a wounded boar, deadly like a force of nature.

"Step away from my wife, please," Shepard said politely, waiting for the soldiers who remained in her close perimeter to step back. "I'm sorry Knight-Commander Shepard, but we were given this list from the ministry of national affairs, asking all non-essential Biotics to be removed from court. And Lady Jaqueline Shepard is on that list."

"Let me see that list," Shepard demanded snatching the list from the soldier's hands. He looked it over, and sure enough, it was signed by all the politicians in the ministry of national affairs, as well as the king. "This makes no sense," he said mostly to himself.

"John... I swear on Sover-," Lady Jaqueline growled.

"Silence woman!" Shepard yelled back. "I don't get it," He said to the soldier with the list. "The King has never cared for politics, and even less for the ABM, how has this list come to be? And how did my wife end up as a non-essential?"

"I honestly don't know, Sir," The soldier said. "But we have to take her with us and cart her from court."

"Those mangy bastards, they have just been waiting for the King to -" Shepard growled, as he pulled the application from his saddlebag. "If my wife was non-essential then explain why the Queen would sign this?"

"You know I can't Sir," The soldier said.

"You are welcome to ask the King if I am non-essential as well, because if my wife is sent away, I am leaving with her," Shepard stated angrily.

"Come men, find the next on the list," The Soldier said, and smiled a relieved smile to Shepard. "For what it's worth Sir, I am glad we're not taking your wife."

"Pray tell, how many Biotics were considered essentials?" Shepard asked.

"Uh... two including Lady Jaqueline."

"I see," Shepard ran a hand through his hair, and shot Lady Jaqueline a worried gaze.

When the soldiers have left, very unlike her Lady Jaqueline wrapped her arms around Shepard and didn't let go. Shepard wrapped his arms around her and held her tight as well. "That was close," He mumbled.

"I could have taken them," Lady Jaqueline whispered.

"I have no doubt," Shepard said, kissing her temple. He knew his wife, knew that she would never admit to being afraid, but her heart hammering away in her chest gave her away. He would never call her out on it either; he just enjoyed her arms around him.

"Bastard ABM," Lady Jaqueline mumbled.

"Got you your application, darling," Shepard whispered, rubbing soothing circles on Lady Jaqueline's back. "Tell me that brightens your day a little."

"John..." Lady Jaqueline said, pushing out from Shepard's embrace. "Maybe... Maybe it's not a good idea." She wrapped her arms around herself, turning her back to Shepard. "With all the power that the ABM gained recently, maybe it's too dangerous?"

"Come now Jacqueline," Shepard said softly, reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder, turning her towards him. "All you wanted for a year is a child. Why give that up now?"

"What if that child is like me?" She stared directly at her husband. "Then what will become of it? Of us?"

"You know that I will love the child no matter what the future brings," He smiled at her, understanding her worry. "I am absolutely sure that the King will come to his senses, and not let the fear of the few hurt the many." He kissed her forehead.

"You believe the ABM to be a passing fashion?" Lady Jaqueline asked.

"I do."

Lady Jaqueline sighed and nodded, not sure, she believed it, but she chose to believe it because she wanted to. "We could hand over the application, and wait. They denied us before, so who know what will happen."

Shepard nodded. "And just because we get the permit, doesn't mean that we have to do it," He said softly.

Kaidan had not even been given time to gather his belongings, he had been ushered out of the Temple by hard hands and harsh voices. People were moving about everywhere in one big chaotic hive, and here he was waiting for what the guards had in mind. He looked around him, there were some servants and other brothers from the Temple, Kaidan could only conclude that all these people were on the soldier's lists. "What is the crime we are accused of?" Kaidan whispered to a young girl who sat next to him, sniffling.

She shrugged. "Do you know where they are taking us?"

"No," Kaidan admitted. He turned to his other side. "Brother, were you told what crime you were accused of?"

The other young priests pulled up his sleeve and revealed the telltale birthmark that all Biotics carried somewhere on them. "I don't know if that is it, but they were mighty intrigued."

Kaidan idly rubbed his neck where his own mark was, he turned to the girl. "Forgive me, but are you per chance Biotic?"

The girl nodded and sniffled, hoisting up her dress a little, showing off the mark on the side of her thigh. She looked scared and confused. "They didn't tell me why I had to follow them; they only told me that I was on their list." Her eyes widened. "What kind of list do you think it is?"

Kaidan took her hand and squeezed it gently. "Don't be afraid." He smiled at her hoping she couldn't tell how troubled he was. He had heard rumors that the ABM had grown in numbers in court, and some even claimed that the nobles feared a riot, feared that the Biotics would start killing people and overthrow the throne. Kaidan had dismissed it as nonsense until now. He squeezed the girls hand again, more for his own sake than hers; maybe he needed comfort as much as she did. Kaidan thought of his mother, how upset she had been when his father had chosen to send him away from home, Kaidan had claimed that he understood that he accepted their decision as the natural course of things. Truth was that Kaidan didn't understand why he had to be sent away to serve a master that he did not understand or believe in. Sister went to the best schools, and was adored by all who knew her. He had hated his father for sending him away, and he had resented his mother for not stopping him, but he had no choice but to accept this new life of his. The first senior priest he had met had been a cruel master, but he had learned to love it. It had been either that or go mad. He had been forbidden any and all contact with his family since he joined the priesthood, but here in this moment where he was waiting for the soldiers to usher him on a rickety looking wagon to Sovereign knew where, he missed his mother desperately. He wanted nothing else than to tell her that he was alive. What if she heard of this bizarre exodus and thought him dead?

The soldiers came and pulled Kaidan aboard a wagon with a bunch of other servants. Kaidan saw one of the servants grab a soldier and ask, what they had done wrong, what crime where they accused of, and where they were taking them. The Soldier had just looked at the man with contempt written across his face and had said the King had decided to repurpose all the Biotics of the city, but he refused to elaborate on what 'repurposed' meant. Kaidan pulled the hood down over his head, and resigned to his fate, just like when he had left his childhood home.

When the queen finally returned to court after four months at Lord Udina's summer residence she was sporting a protruding belly, and a warm smile. The entire kingdom rejoiced with their King and Queen, and Shepard was no exception. Lady Jaqueline had procured a present for the queen, but was feeling tired and sickly so Shepard had promised to bring the Queen the present. True, he could have given it to one of the Queen's servants. Part of him wanted to do that, but another part felt that no matter what had happened between them at the lake, he had gotten to know Miranda quite well with the time spent in each other's company, that he felt it would be insincere to not bring the present and congratulate her in person. He was all smiles as he was finally waved through the Queen's door, Queen Miranda turned to her servants. "Leave us," She said, waiting for the servants to leave the room before she turned to Shepard. "Knight-Commander, it's been a while, how did your application fare?"

"Quite well my Queen." Shepard said with a courteous nod.

Queen Miranda sat down and gestured for Shepard to do the same. "I trust you got your permit?"

"Yes, my Queen." Shepard said, and then handed her the gift across the table. "I learned that the King put off the next planned campaign to stay with you." He poured some watered down wine into his glass.

"One of my servant girls told me that Lady Jacqueline is expecting your child." The Queen said with an unreadable expression.

"She told you the truth." Shepard said. "But I did not come here to talk about her, I came to congratulate you, my Queen." He pulled the gift from his pocket and placed it on the table between them. It was a beautifully crafted wooden horse, clearly the gift to a privileged child.

"Congratulations are in order then Knight-Commander." Queen Miranda said, ignoring the present.

Shepard looked at the Queen confused. "My Queen?" He asked.

The Queen sighed and poured herself a cup as well. "One should be careful what one wishes for.," She said cryptically. "I am four months along." She said with a hardened glare at Shepard. However, when Shepard just looked away confused at her sudden ire, she tossed the cup at him, hitting Shepard square in the chest. "I am four months pregnant." She hissed. "Yet it is far more than five since my husband visited my bed." She got up from her seat and walked over to Shepard at the other side of the table. "Turns out that I am not the one barren, but my husband."

Shepard opened his mouth to say something, but then just closed it again. He anticipated the Queen's hand long before it hit his cheek, but it did not take the sting out.

"Bastard!" She hissed out between her teeth.

All color drained from Shepard's face. "What are you saying?" He whispered.

"Are you that dense?" The Queen growled, picking up the wooden horse and tossing that at Shepard as well, watching him cringe. "You sired this child, not my husband."

"Oh." Shepard just stared at Queen Miranda with big frightened eyes. "You said that -"

"I remember quite well what I said, Knight-Commander." Miranda sighed crossing her arms over her chest. "I thought I was the one who was unable to bear a child, the physicians had all told me the fault was with me, not James. They were wrong."

Shepard licked his lips, trying to take it all in, trying to see the future, and most of all trying to figure out what he should do now. "Does...does the king suspect?" He finally asked weakly.

"I don't know." Queen Miranda said. "I think that for now he doesn't question it, but I do not know what will happen once he does."

Inching out to the edge of the seat Shepard looked up at the Queen who hovered above him. " He loves you dearly; I know that he was heartbroken by the prospect of getting another wife if you did not produce a royal heir soon. Maybe he will just be so happy that -"

"Maybe." Queen Miranda said harshly. "There are many nobles around here who would rather see me gone and you as well. So should someone ever suspect that the child is not the kings, terrible things will happen."

"I know." Shepard dropped his head and stared down at his feet.

"You have to relocate with your wife." Queen Miranda finally said, turning around and walking over to a window overlooking the courtyard, staring out at the servants milling about down on the ground.

"What?"

"Think about it Shepard." She hissed out his name with malice. "What if the children bear signs of being siblings? It would be a scandal, and instead of a life of wealth and privilege, odds are that all of us will hang, you, me, your wife and the children."

Shepard got out of his seat and walked over to the Queen, in his anger he pulled her arm and twisted her around to face him. "You are just seeing ghosts, and you would have me condemn my wife to a commoners life because you are frightened?"

"Unhand me." Miranda hissed, and Shepard let go of her immediately. "I am still the Queen, and you will obey my wishes."

Shepard ground his teeth, and then nodded. "Yes, my Queen."

Returning to his rooms Shepard was preoccupied and angry, aiming straight for his bed. "Did the Queen accept the gift?" Lady Jaqueline called from the main room.

"Yes," Shepard yelled back and laid down pulling the covers over his head. What was he going to do? If he just disappeared then the King would suspect something, and to tell Jaqueline that they had to vacate their rooms at court was the same as declaring war. However, he could not ignore the Queen either. He slammed his fist down into the mattress; he would have to solve this somehow. Maybe he could talk some sense into the Queen later? Maybe he could have Jaqueline assigned as Queen Miranda's chambermaid, then they would get to know each other, and with some luck, the Queen would be lenient if she had a personal relation? He could not ignore her fears though, because there was a slim chance that she was right.

Queen Miranda had walked aimlessly back and forth in her rooms, trying to come up with a plan, she had to get rid of Shepard and his wife, because they were the only ones who could give her treason away. She was not ready to depart with her crown or her life. She put on a frock and went to find her husband.

Finding King James in his war room was no surprise to the Queen, she smiled lovingly at her husband, who came to her side. "Miranda my love, what are you doing up and about? You should be resting."

"I just found myself restless, and missing my husband at my side." She smiled and leaned against James.

"The war room is no place for a lady, and surely not one in your condition, your Majesty." One of the advisors said.

"Get out." King James said, waving at his advisors dismissing them. Once they had all left, Miranda kissed him and walked over to the strategic board. "This is your war?" She asked innocently. She pointed at a red part of the map. "What is that?"

"Oh Miranda you shouldn't worry about these things, war is for men." James said coming to her side.

"Please?" Miranda said sweetly. "I am bored and I want to learn about what worries you."

James smiled and kissed her temple, thinking that he could never in a million years have gotten a better wife. "It's the province of Everdark; we are moving to retake it from the enemy."

"You lost it?"

James nodded. "The lands are cursed with hunger and plague, every battalion I sent has dwindled till the few soldiers scattered and fled for their lives."

"So do they carry the plague home?" Miranda asked

"No, we can't let them back across the borders as it is." James sighed. "That is why this province is so important to retake."

"Lots of our soldiers stuck there?"

"Either that or they succumbed to the plague, I do not know. I let Udina deploy some of the biotic priests there along with some non-essential farmhands, hoping to rebuild some from the inside. However, there is no way of knowing if they are even still alive. But some intel still makes it here, and I learned recently that two of the most powerful Chieftains are significantly weakened, and the lands are basically ready for the taking."

"Something is troubling you dear husband; I can hear it in your voice." Miranda said, staring at the province on the map.

"I should lead this campaign, but my advisors don't think I should leave the court or you, and to be honest I do not want to leave your side either. This Campaign is at worst a suicide mission should I contract the plague which is said is in the very air. Best outcome it's a long haul of some years at least, to defeat the enemy and help rebuild." James sighed.

"It doesn't have to be you, my love." Miranda said softly.

"If I do not rally under that flag to retake Everdark, no soldiers will go. Enough has been lost there, and – Oh Miranda it's a man's worry." James sighed even deeper.

"But you should be here to rejoice in your firstborn," Miranda said leaning her head on James' shoulder. "Why not send someone in your stead? Who else would the soldiers rally to?"

"Shepard?" James asked. "Are you suggesting that I send him to years of voluntary exile?"

"Better him than you." Miranda said with a smile.

"I can't do that," James said. "His wife is expecting and -"

"James." Miranda said sternly. "He is not your friend, you are not children. Shepard is your servant, your pawn to use as you see fit. I say send him with an army to retake Everdark and report back, with some luck it's all just superstition and they can return before his wife has her child." Miranda said wrapping her arms around James' neck, kissing him. "I need you here."

"You, my Queen, are as ruthless as you are beautiful." James mumbled between kisses.

"And you love me for it." Miranda grinned.

"I do."


	3. Chapter 3

So, sorry about the long wait, and thank you for your patience - it just happened that both me and Maxxie ran into a bunch of adult... My shedule eased up, hers didn't. So we talked about it and decided to upload the story with much, much shorter intervals than what you've seen till now. Maxxie will make the character card illustrations as she finds the time, and they will be added later. You can follow her Tumblr to make sure you don't miss it. (I think you should follow her anyway cause she rocks). And so without further delays..

Shepard had not been alarmed when his king had called for him; to be honest he had started to wish for a battlefield, his home had become an impossible place to be. He tried to accommodate Lady Jaqueline, but it seemed the more the baby grew, the deeper the gap between them grew as well. For the last month, he had been surrounded by her ladies, both when he got up and when he went to bed. He did not mind them per se, and he understood her need to speak about womanly things with other women. However, he wished that she would just accept any of his advances, and maybe just once in a while send the ladies from her side so they could spend some time together.

"My King, you called for me," Shepard said with a deep bow as he entered the King's war room.

"Shepard," James smiled warmly. "Come"

Shepard came and stood at the war map. "You are winning the war, My King," He said with a smile. "But you hardly called me here to hear my opinion on your war strategies."

"No I didn't," King James said, his smile faltering. "I have strategists for that," The King took a deep breath. "I have a mission for you, a mission that I would not trust to anyone else."

"Yes My King," Shepard nodded.

"I want you to lead your men to Everdark, hunt down the Chieftains and hang them and their families as a statement," King James pointed at the province on the map. "This mission you must carry out alone, I trust you with complete command, and expect you to lead your men to victory."

Shepard looked up at King James with the question written across his face.

"Yes, I understand your worry Shepard. I have heard all the rumors as well. And I would have gone with you was it not for the Queen's state, what kind of king would I be if I were off battling barbarians in some far out region while my heir is born?" King James said.

Nodding again Shepard looked down at the map. "And if the men revolt? I don't think any of them are eager to lose their lives, and I have learned not to underestimate superstition, My King."

"Then you walk on with the rest," King James said. "I expect you to prevail Shepard, with or without your men."

"Yes My King," Shepard said. He took a deep breath and said, "What will become of my wife?"

King James put a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "She will be taken care of, don't you worry."

It was almost friendly, and Shepard felt a pang of grief for the James he had known when they were younger, missing him something terrible. The laughs, the drunken nights, the hunts and the frolic. "How long do your scholars think I will be gone then My King? Will I get back to see my newborn as well?" He almost added 'or is that a luxury that only you see fit for yourself' but did not.

"Six months to a year," King James said. "Depends."

Shepard dropped his gaze and looked at his hands on the map. "Will she be sent from court?" He knew it was a dumb question because he knew what James was not saying is that no one expected anyone to return from this mission. If the enemy did not get them, the plague would.

"Eventually," James said softly. "But I promise you she will be looked after."

"Thank you My King, you are much too generous," Shepard attempted a smile. "When do I depart?"

"Two days from now, I will get the generals to assemble the men you will take." James turned Shepard around to face him. "It's of utmost importance that we take and hold Everdark, it's a bridge to the enemy, and a bridge works both ways. I would trust this campaign to no one but you."

"My King, you flatter me with your faith in my abilities," Shepard said.

"Nonsense! I have seen you fight. Only you can do this." King James smiled again. "Come back alive and be reunited with your family, and the title of Knight-Captain."

"I will do my very best," Shepard said. "My King."

James nodded and turned away, indicating that their talk was over, but suddenly turned back around. "John? I mean it. Come back alive."

"Of course I will," Shepard said smiling a little sadly. "You know me."

"Yes, yes I do." King James mumbled as he walked out the door, leaving Shepard on his own in the war room. Shepard ground his teeth in anger. How dared he? He gave him some song and dance about the importance of Everdark, but they both knew that even the enemy would not travel through there. Shepard would not be surprised if Jaqueline was evicted from court the moment he crossed the border to Everdark. He had not seen this coming, but still he had always trusted James to do what needed to be done. He had always been a man who did not shy away from the difficult decisions, and as a soldier, he knew that sometimes the hardest ones were the ones that you did not make on your feet in the heat of battle. Still how was he supposed to tell Jaqueline that not only would he be gone for the birth of her child, but that she better pack a bag and go back to where she came from? Jaqueline like he, had no living relatives so Shepard was sure that whatever she did, she would start over. Jaqueline was not a woman to be cooped up somewhere simple, waiting for her husband to return. It had been what had fascinated him when they met, that she was a woman of action and spirit. He knew that her caretakers thought she would never find a man because she would test them all and find them too light or too weak. Shepard had to admit that he had put a lot of effort into getting her where he wanted her. The woman he had met back then was a far cry from the angry, bitter wife who was pacing his rooms like a caged tiger, but whose fault was that? Wasn't it really his? He had promised her the sun and the stars, but what he had given her was isolation and uncertainty. It was only natural that she had taken charge of her own life, so instead of living like a couple, they lived parallel lives where they tolerated each other more than anything, the only thing holding them together is a memory of why they loved one another earlier.

Shepard walked out of court and straight to the nearest tavern where many of the soldiers visited when they were not on duty. He ordered a drink still thinking about Jaqueline, he wondered when he had started to refer to the child as 'the' child or 'her' child, he had stopped saying 'our' and he didn't even remember when. He downed the drink and held out his glass for one more. Turning a bit in his chair he watched the soldiers get drunk and sing, and the whores whose livelihood depended on drunk and horny soldiers, swarm around laughing at their crude jokes. He sipped his drink wondering if he should get himself a whore to take his mind off things.

"Knight-Commander," A voice said next to Shepard.

Shepard turned his head and smiled when he saw the scarred face of Zaeed, his most trusted veteran soldier. He should by far outrank Shepard were it not for the fact that Zaeed didn't want responsibility and always came up with things that demoted him, while he was too valuable to kick out, so he was still paid by the kings army.

"You look troubled knight-commander," Zaeed said, and then shrugged with a grin. "And you never visit us down here unless you have trouble with that wife of yours."

Shepard chuckles mirthlessly. "True."

"So is it the misses?"

"She is with child," Shepard sighed. "Hardly the most reasonable of creatures."

"Oh," Zaeed nodded in understanding. "This is the reason I never got married, Sir. Unreasonable womenfolk, my life is too short for that kind of agony."

"Reason has never been one of her virtues," Shepard sighed, turning around getting her glass filled once more. "Do you find that amusing Zaeed?" Shepard said raising a brow.

"No Sir, I do not. I pity you," Zaeed said with a little smile as he took a swing of his mug of ale.

It was early morning when Shepard came stumbling in through the doors to his rooms, clumsily steering for his bed, falling over already asleep before his body made contact with the mattress.

Shepard woke and could hear Jaqueline speaking in hushed and angry tones with some other woman who just answered her in one-syllable sentences. How he wished she would have her damned tea parties with the ladies elsewhere, just for once he would like to get out of bed without a group of women staring at him as if he was vermin. Shepard pushed off the bed and sat up; he rubbed his temples and yawned. He kicked the chamber pot out from under the corner of the bed and undid his pants.

One of the ladies happened to walk past on her way to the door to the corridors, and gasped offended. Shepard could not even be bothered and just shook the last drops off and kicked the pot back under the bed while he tied his pants back up.

He got up from the bed and shrugged his jacket off, he was wondering if he should leave, sneak out the door before Jaqueline noticed, and prolong the time before he had to tell her his terrible news. "You're awake?" Jaqueline asked behind him.

"I am." Shepard ran a hand through his unruly hair. "Would you please get rid of the ladies?" He asked. "We need to have words in private."

Jaqueline just stared at him, and then turned around in the door, returning to the ladies in the main room.

"I will not have you ignore my word, Jaqueline," Shepard growled, getting up from the bed stalking after her to the main room. "Out! Out all of you!" Shepard yelled, ignoring his wife's expression of shock and rage. The ladies muttered about the injustice of it, and how knight-commander Shepard was a cruel and unreasonable man as they left. "Finally!" Shepard sighed, sitting down in one the chairs that vacated one of the ladies just moments ago. "Some damn peace."

"Was that necessary, dear husband?" Jaqueline asked icily.

"Apparently so," Shepard mumbled. "You would never have asked them to leave by yourself." He shrugged and then turned in his seat. "We really do need to exchange words in private."

Jaqueline's anger gave way a little when she looked at her husband; he looked genuinely troubled and worn. "What weighs your heart then?" She asked as she sat down next to him.

"First I want you to know that I have no choice," He said softly. "The King has asked me to lead a campaign."

"But that is great! Maybe you will get a promotion. And we could get larger accomoda -"

"Shush, listen to me first," Shepard held up his hand to shut her up. "I leave tomorrow, and I will not be back anytime soon, that means that I will miss out on your child."

"You can't leave now!" Jaqueline argued. "Surely you can go back to the king and make him listen..."

"I am sorry," Shepard said. "He ordered me to lead that campaign, well knowing what it means. And I will do his bidding because it's my duty, and because he is my king."

"Your duty?" Jaqueline argued. "It's your damn duty to be around for your son or daughter. For your family."

"Jaqueline, darling," Shepard reached out for her hand, but she withdrew it. "I know how much it means to you to have a proper family." When she did not answer, Shepard continued. "I was not sure if I should even tell you this, but I need you to understand that I will do everything in my power to come back and..."

"Have you even thought about what will happen to me? To your child?" Jaqueline argued hotly. "Or did you just take your orders like a good little lapdog?"

"Yes, yes I have," Shepard admitted he wanted to be angry with Jaqueline because she was yelling in his face, and he knew that gossip had it that he had no control over that feisty wife of his. Maybe he did not, but this was not about control, this was about fear. A very real fear. "I wish I could tell you something else, I really do," Shepard finally said. "But I simply don't know what will happen once I am gone from court, and I know that the ABM has been gaining ground in court and with the king," He sighed. "I can only trust that the King was truthful when he said that he would make sure you were accommodated in a proper manner."

"Can you not hear his intent behind his words John?" Jaqueline yelled. "He means to evict me!" She rubbed her pregnant belly, and looked back at Shepard. "Where is he going to send me then? Do you know?"

"Back to your homelands I suspect," Shepard shrugged sadly.

"Back to my homeland? Have you and the king both lost your minds?" Jaqueline raged, on the verge of tears. "There is nothing for me there, you know that! Nothing but –"

"I know!" Shepard yelled all of a sudden. "I know!" He stood up from his chair so fast it fell over. "But what you do not understand is if I refuse his direct order, your life here at court is over! If I leave then at least the King promised to make sure you are comfortable. Tell me Jaqueline, which do you prefer?"

"I prefer the one where you stay here with me and your child." Jaqueline stomped on the floor.

"And doom my own child to poverty?" Shepard yelled. "I will not have my child go hungry..." He took a deep breath. "I would rather kill it in the womb than to subject it to that."

Jaqueline frowned at his choice of words. "I would kill you first."

"Damned be Jaqueline, that was not what I meant." Shepard tossed a goblet from the table over towards a small window in the wall. "I told you about when I was a child. What I don't want is for my own child to go through the same thing."

"But you weren't born in court, now were you? Your mother was a whore and –"

"It does not matter who my mother was, or where I was born," Shepard growled, turning his back to Jaqueline as he stalked over to the cabinet to fill himself a goblet of wine. "When you are living in the gutter, you could have been born a prince, it just doesn't matter. And I fought long and hard to be where I am, and where you are." He twisted around and pointed at Jaqueline. "And I will be damned if I throw all that away cause you are suddenly too frail to travel back to your family homestead."

Jaqueline fisted her hands, but did not argue back, she knew that no matter how crude his point was, he was possibly right. At least this way she got to keep some of the luxury that she had grown accustomed to, and loved. "Alright," Jaqueline finally sighed resigned. "I will obey your wish, but let it be known that I do not think that it's even a remotely sane solution." She sat down heavily on a chair with a sigh. "Who has it out for us? Who could have conjured up such a plan?"

"What do you mean?" Shepard said, inwardly congratulating himself on persuading Jaqueline to go without a scene, should it become reality.

"I don't know..." Jaqueline mumbled. "It just reeks." She turned to look at Shepard. "Tell me if the man you know to be the king, would ever willingly send you away like this, and send you away to Everdark and an unknown fate. To a place where there are a month long quarantine should you return, which has yet to be set into motion because nobody ever returned." She leaned in over the table looking straight at her husband. "And knowing that with your fate uncertain, I would become obsolete to court, and would be rehoused elsewhere…. And..."

"Stop!" Shepard snorted with contempt. "You're seeing ghosts." He leaned back against the wall and stared down his nose at his wife. "The King asked me to go, because he needed someone there in his stead. He cannot claim to be a peaceful ruler if all he does is make war, and is not even here for the festivities of his firstborn. A royal birth is a major diplomatic event, which he cannot afford to miss."

"You are wrong, dear husband," Jaqueline said softly. "This is the doing of someone, someone who wants to see us destroyed."

"Quit your yammering," Shepard said with a half-laugh. "I am sure your family will be absolutely delighted to see you, and it's not like you're coming home in disgrace."  
>"Oh? With a baby on the way, or one on the arm, and no husband? I would not exactly call that a glorious arrival," Jaqueline sneered.<p>

"I didn't say that, I just said it wasn't disgraceful," Shepard shrugged and put down his goblet, walking over to Jaqueline and put his arms around her from behind. "I will be home again, I promise. Maybe we would rather get a little house out in the countryside, than return to court. Maybe the nature will grow on you," He whispered with a smile.

As Shepard rode out the next morning, he looked around him, seeing nothing but gaunt grey faces – the face of a man condemned. Maybe he had promised Jaqueline the impossible. Maybe he would not return from this campaign, and maybe he did ride to his own destruction? He tried to soothe himself with the thought that it was a standard clause in the wedding papers should your spouse disappear for a whole year, presumed dead in battle or captured, you were legally allowed to take another man. Should he have lied, so Jaqueline would not be left with nothing? She could find herself a new husband, maybe even someone who would cherish her and stay by her side. Shepard smiled sadly. Jaqueline was a beautiful woman, she would not have a hard time finding a man, even with a child on her hip, given that she learned how to harness that temper of hers, Shepard hard heard that motherhood mellowed even the feistiest womenfolk, so he took that to heart. She would maybe in fact be better off this way.

"Knight-Commander," Zaeed said softly as he spurred his horse to ride next to Shepard. "Why the grim expression?"

"Just deep in thought," Shepard said with a professional smile.

"The odds aren't in our favor, I know," Zaeed said softly. "We all know."

Shepard nodded. "When is it ever?"

Zaeed laughed softly. "When indeed, Sir," He smiled. "You give these men hope, with you at the helm, I am sure we will make it out by the skin of our noses."

"I'm flattered that you have such faith in me," Shepard said, his smile widened a little, and this time genuine. He wanted Zaeed to be right, by the stars how he wanted Zaeed to be right.


	4. Chapter 4

Three months into the Everdark campaign, Shepard had still to find two of the Chieftains, he forced himself not to think of Jaqueline who had surely delivered the child by now. And the royal baby must have been born too, he shouldn't think of Queen Miranda's child as his, but he found it harder than he had thought, just because he knew it was his genes. However, he couldn't help but to be slightly distracted by these thoughts. If only he could receive word if the babe was well, and what had become of Jaqueline. It didn't help when they had hunted down the second Chieftain and his family. Shepard had left the house, knowing that his orders were to kill the rebels, and their families. He had given some half-arsed order, but inside he was confused. He had never given second thought to the enemy before, but then again he had always kept his private life and what he did in the name of victory on the battlefield strictly apart. Now he found that hard, if not impossible to do. He had never had trouble separating a man from life he simply didn't care. But something had happened to him this last year, he had begun to question things. Not so much killing a man, that still didn't trouble him, but more asking himself how he went about it, and why. He had to justify it to himself somehow, like that Chieftain – he had been a rebel leader, so no problem there! His wife had known, and she was a co-conspirator so he had no problem ending her either. The children however, all five of them, had they asked for it? Had they wanted to be born into that house, had they wanted to be rebels? He did not know, and he was not so sure they deserved death for that.

Later someone had reported to him that the deed was done, and the bodies were all hung outside as an example to fellow rebels. Shepard had nodded and just secretly relieved that he did not have to watch or worse yet do it. It wasn't exactly like him, but all he could think of was, what if that was his child? Moreover, what if he had been that man? Would he not have charged an entire army? The answer troubled him.

Maybe it was just the dust of this dead land getting to him. It was hard to breathe, the smell was terrible, even for Shepard's standards, and the damn dust was getting in everywhere. Maybe Everdark really was cursed and it was getting under his skin? What he knew to be a fact was that they had not found all the rebel leaders, only half of them. Instead of finding the two last, they had found a massive rebel army, an army that had had time to grow and fester until it counted thrice the men that Shepard's army did. His men were soldiers by heart; most of the rebel army was farmers and poets. So it was not the army that was the worst problem, it was the air.

Shepard stood outside his tent in the morning sun, looking out over their camp. He knew that the fifteenth man had died this night, died from something none of them knew what was, and while some thought it was the curse, others believed it to be the plague that was picking them off one by one. Shepard did not know which was true, but he knew that he had to use all the gifts of persuasion he had ever had, to address the men, and attempting to make them stay. They were afraid, and so was Shepard. This was a foe they could not fight; it had nothing to do with swordsmanship or skills. It was invisible, silent and picked soldiers off at random.

"Knight-Commander." Zaeed calls, climbing the small hill to where Shepard's tent was located; he has a grim, tired expression on his face. "The fifteenth' –"

Shepard holds up his hand to silence Zaeed, and turned to enter his tent with an 'I know'.

"But with all due respect, Shepard. We cannot stay here." Zaeed argues as he too enters the tent.

"Or else what? _What_ Zaeed?" Shepard growls, sitting down with a deep sigh. "They'll run? Look around you man, there is nowhere to run to! All there is here is death!" He looked up at Zaeed.

Zaeed looked away, he had not meant to blame Shepard for this whole thing, and he was not alone in noting that the Knight-Commander looked worn and thin – worried. Surely, he too felt the dread like the men. "I know Shepard." Zaeed said softly. "But what I am saying is that some might want to try their luck, instead of just waiting here for the inevitable." He looked down at his boots. "Can't say I blame them."

"Okay." Shepard said standing up, walking over to a makeshift strategic table. "Come see Zaeed." He pointed at the map. "We are here." He pointed at a cross. "The rebel army is still double the size of ours, and is here, here and here." He pointed at three points in a half-moon shape. "Efficiently cutting us off from the valley. We can't go left, because there are the mountains. And we can't go back." He leaned forward on the table looking at Zaeed. "What will you have me do?"

"Could we take this camp?" Zaeed asked, pointing at the rebel camp closest to the mountains. "Maybe we could slip behind the second camp and have the element of surprise?"

"Yes." Shepard said. "Or maybe they are better organized than that, and we'll have their entire damn army coming down on us." He rubbed his face with one hand, as to rub the weariness out. "We cannot win that battle." He said in a near whisper.

"Ask the men then. Address them, Shepard." Zaeed said, placing a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Ask them if they'd rather die in battle, or waste away here while we wait."

Shepard nodded weakly. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should not –" He stopped mid-sentence and all the color left his face, in a last effort to not fall over he grabbed Zaeed's arm.

Zaeed caught him with ease, staring deeply disturbed down at Shepard's unfocused eyes. Not relaxing until Shepard frowned and scrambled to his feet, running a hand through his sweaty hair. "I'm fine." He mumbled. "Thank you."

"You don't look –"

"I said- I am quite well." Shepard brushed his shoulder for imaginary dust.

"If you say so, but we really need to address this". Zaeed said as he pointed at the strategic table.

"Zaeed, this is war – soldiers die. I don't see why fifteen out of one hundred is that alarming." Shepard said reaching for his glass, feeling parched.

"Of course." Zaeed said with a slight shake of his head. "But they are supposed to die on the battlefield. _Not_ in a pool of shit and bile in a humid tent."

"Are you done?" Shepard asked harshly.

"Yes, Sir." Zaeed mumbled with badly hidden anger.

Another week passed, and still Shepard did nothing, the sixteenth, seventeenth and eighteenth man died, and he did nothing. Zaeed had heard the men talk about how Shepard looked; he looked sick and grey, slick with fever, so they looked to Zaeed to do something. It had taken Zaeed a day to work up the courage to enter Shepard's tent.

Shepard had told them all he was fine, but he was not, and he _knew_ it. He could feel the fever increase, his vision was blurry, his appetite gone and he felt weak and tired. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he did not allow himself the luxury, he had been trying to figure out how to do this best, wait and waste away, which was probably what the rebels expected him to do. Or should he try to return, hoping that King James would let them? Shepard knew that he could not return like this, no matter if he had known James when they were children. Or he could do as Zaeed had suggested, Shepard knew it was a lousy plan, but Zaeed was right, they had to do something. Really, Zaeed's plan was as sane as anything Shepard could come up with if he had been able to think straight. He did not want the men to know that he could not collect two thoughts, so Shepard decided that now was the time to act, so finally he had given the order to rally and attack the far western rebel camp, attempting to silence that camp, and move behind the second, middle one. That would grant them access to the valley of Everdark, unless the last camp decided to attack, but Shepard did not count on it.

It had been a battle on its own to get into his armor, but Shepard was determined to see this through, after all if it was true what Zaeed had told him on the way here, he was an inspiration to the men.

He noticed that the men looked worse, they were grey and desperate, and not at all the men that had left court just a couple of months earlier. Shepard managed to get unto his horse, thankful that no one mentioned that he wobbled slightly on his way there, and it had taken him longer than usual to get unto the horse.

They moved silently through forest and marsh, hoping to flank the eastern encampment. Shepard blinked rapidly, trying to will his vision to clear but could not. Everything was a blurry haze. It became harder to breathe, in the end he had to take off his helmet, holding on to the reins with one hand, clawing at his armor by his throat with the other. Shepard gasped to fill his lungs with air, but it was like breathing under water. He gasped and coughed, he heard Zaeed call out, but he could not make out the words. Shepard could taste the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. Gasping again to breathe, and as he slipped off the horse, unable to dodge the spooked horses hoofs, one thought came to him 'this is it, I am dead'. However, he was not dead, he felt arms hauling him to his feet, and felt a sting across his cheek as Zaeed slapped him. "Shepard!" he growled. "Get up!"

Shepard nodded and took a step, stumbling through the marshlands, splashing water; he did not even notice his left arm being stuck in an odd angle. The world spun around and he suddenly felt the ground rush up to meet his face again. Someone turned him around on his back, he could not tell who it was, but he clutched at the persons arm in a silent plea for help.

"Zaeed, Sir." The soldier called whose arm Shepard had grabbed. "I think he is dying."

Zaeed kneeled down and looked at the Knight-Commander, Shepard's eyes rolled back in his head and his breathing was shallow and irregular. Zaeed looked at the soldier at Shepard's side, the soldier's eyes wide and frightened. "Can you hear me Shepard?"

"Sir! Sir!" Someone called from further away. "They have spotted us! What are the orders?"

Zaeed sighed and pushed to his feet, he turned to the soldier at Shepard's side. "We'll come back for him after the battle, and if he's alive we will see what we can do." He then placed a hand on the soldier next to him. "Tell them to attack, now!"

"Sir, yes sir!" The soldier sprinted off to give the order

"Forgive me," The soldier at Shepard's side mumbled, and twisted out of Shepard's amazingly hard grasp.

First battle won, and Zaeed came back with four soldiers, each dragging two horses behind them loaded with the wounded who could not walk on their own. Zaeed kneeled down next to Shepard; wet his fingers in the marsh water, holding them up to Shepard's nose. He felt a weak blow of air to his fingertips. "He's alive." He smiled to himself. "Load him unto that horse, and take him to that temple we passed." Zaeed watched as the soldiers lifted up Shepard from the wet ground. "Either they can heal him, or he can die in peace. Either way is better than this." He gestured at the marsh.

Zaeed leaned in to Shepard's ear and whispered. "If you can hear me, then don't worry about your child or wife, I will take care of them, I promise."

Kaidan opened the door to his cell, now occupied by their unwilling guest. He did not know if he should feel as if this was a cosmic jest, or if this just a coincidence. Kaidan kneeled by Knight-Commander Shepard's side, touching Shepard's face gently, he sighed. It had been five days, and the Knight-commander had still not woken, he lay still on the bed of hay that he had been given. Hay was better to use as a cover for those they expected to die from the fever, it was easy to burn with its inhabitant.

Ignoring his dark thoughts for a moment, Kaidan sat to re-dress Shepard's broken arm, making sure the compress was tight enough to ensure the bone would mend as straight as possible, with a little luck, Shepard might be able to use his sword arm again in the near future. Kaidan looked up at Shepard's sickly face, had it been anyone other than Shepard, Kaidan would have written him off days ago, honestly then Shepard looked more dead than alive. He risked running his fingertips gently over Shepard's protruding cheekbone and down over his chapped lips, this was a far cry from the man he had seen riding alongside the king, that man had been so full of life, it would make anyone envious. Kaidan was honestly a little awe stricken. Shepard was a skilled man; he won every battle, both literally and metaphorically. How he envied that carefree, flirtatious smile that Shepard had given him that night they had spoken in the courtyard. Logically Kaidan knew that it was not all smiles to be knight-commander, that a lot of responsibility and difficult decisions would have to follow a title like that, but there was also the greatness, and in his armor ready for war, Shepard looked like a god. Even his men had thought so, and would have followed him to death and beyond. Nevertheless, it had been a pitiful band that had brought the Knight-Commander in gaunt and near death, their voices had been thick with despair and a silent plea to work magic. They had taken the Knight-Commander in, even if they all knew he would most likely die within the first week. Truth be told then there was nothing Kaidan wanted more than to call upon the deep dark, and pull down a star for Shepard.

That armor was long gone now, and here before him was only a shell of a man, naked in a bed of hay. Kaidan smiled to himself as he took Shepard's hand, rubbing the knuckles gently. For a brief moment, he wondered how many people these hands had either caressed or killed. Kaidan laughed to himself, it probably was not healthy for him to tend to the knight-commander day and night, entertaining his silly fantasies. The right thing to do would be to ask one of the other brothers to do this, before the senior priest accused him of being attached to his patient. "In another life," Kaidan muttered, "I would have gone to war with you, maybe even asked you to dance, or had wine with you, laughed with you." He smiled bitterly as he let go of Shepard's limp hand. "But not in this."

Standing to his feet, he snuffed the candle in the cell before exiting, returning to his daily tasks around the chaos that was the monastery and surrounding refugee settlement.

It would be a month before Shepard started to react to outside stimuli, he would whimper, or sigh when spoken to, it gave Kaidan heart, knowing that maybe, just maybe Shepard would wake.

It was an evening like any other evening when Kaidan came into the cell to check on his charge. He put down the candle on the floor at Shepard's side and turned to get the cloth he had washed, to redress the broken arm. When he turned and smiled down at Shepard, his smile died, giving away to confusion as Shepard's eyes was open, staring straight at him. "By Sovereign!" Kaidan exclaimed, falling to his knees, "Knight-Commander!" He reached for Shepard's cheek, found it warm, not cold. Kaidan leaned in closer, "Shepard?"

Shepard blinked.

"You're awake!" Kaidan laughs happily, not entirely sure what to do, other than just leer down at the man. A soft sound not more than a breath leaves Shepard's lips, and Kaidan leans down closer to hear. "Let me bring you some water." Kaidan says, reluctantly standing up, still not sure if it's all something he imagined, and maybe Shepard's unseeing eyes are really dead, and he is just so tired that his mind plays tricks on him. However, as he turns around with the water pitcher, he can hear Shepard whimper as he attempts to move. "Lay still, you are still mending." He sits down again, and helps Shepard to drink a little from the pitcher, spilling more than what passes Shepard's lips.

"I," Shepard croaks, "I know you."

"Yes, yes you do." Kaidan nods eagerly, "Do you remember who you are?"

"John." Shepard whispers. "John Shepard."

"Yes!" Kaidan resists the urge to clap in eagerness, "You are knight-commander Shepard." He smiles widely, "I am brother Alenko, and I was once a part of the monastery at court."

Shepard looked confused, but let it slip. "Did we win?"

"I don't know Ser." Kaidan said, "You were brought here broken and on deaths door." He paused and wet his lips, "You caught the fever."

"Oh." Shepard sighed.

"But you're awake, and that is a good sign," Kaidan says, turning around to snatch his own blanket from his tiny bed, and place it over Shepard, figuring that he should at least be entitled to some decency now that he was aware. "Not many wakes once they have fallen sick."

Shepard closes his eyes for a moment, "Will you be my holy conduit?"

"I –" Kaidan wants to protest, because usually that was something you did for people who were about to die, and Kaidan didn't think Shepard was going to die, surely not now when he woke. In the end, he nodded, knowing that he wished that Shepard did not die, that was all. He had seen people wake, only to die days later after regaining consciousness. "Yes. Do you wish to unburden your heart?"

"Yes." Shepard just whispered. Squeezing Kaidan's hand as much as he could, which was not much more than light pressure.

"Then speak, and I will deliver your message to the deep dark."

"I.." Shepard started, but then stopped, not really sure where to start, or what really belonged in his epitaph to eternity, he had done tons of things he regretted, but if he were to mention the most important? "I never truly loved my wife." He whispered, "I never loved anyone."

Kaidan nodded with his eyes closed, just listening.

"I lied to her, deceived her." Shepard licked his dry lips, "I postponed the permit for the child she wished, because I wasn't sure I wanted to be burdened with her child. By Sovereign, it was all she wanted, some nice things and a child." He sucked in his breath, "And I was unwilling to provide." For a while, Shepard said nothing, but then sighed, "Maybe I was afraid? Afraid that the child would have the same condition as she did, and would have to hide? Or maybe I was afraid because I knew that – " Shepard sighed, "I think I was just afraid." Shepard closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I am no hero."

Kaidan just sat waiting in the half-light, it seemed like Shepard wanted to say more, but when he did not. Kaidan finally spoke, "I will deliver your words to the Deep Dark."

"Thank you." Shepard smiled vaguely.

Kaidan got up and slowly walked out the room, he was puzzled by Shepard's words, surely, a man like him would have more regrets at the edge of life, he had never in a million years expected it to be about not doing right by his wife. But who was he to judge? If that was what weighed on the man's soul, it would be what he would deliver to the Deep.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day when Kaidan entered the room, Shepard was awake and looked better than he had the day before, not much but still it seemed like his eyes were a little more alive. "Good morning Knight-Commander." Kaidan said.

"Good morning." Shepard said, following Kaidan with his eyes as he walked across the small room. "I am sorry, but I forgot your name." He said softly.

"I'm Brother Alenko." Kaidan said over his shoulder, preparing the clean wraps for Shepard's arm.

"Ah yes." Shepard mumbled. "You served at the court temple you said?"

"Yes." Kaidan said, turning around and sitting down next to Shepard, starting to slowly pull off the old bandages to adjust the wooden shins under them.

Shepard winched as his arm lost the comfort of constant pressure to keep his shattered bone in check. "Can I ask why you aren't at court anymore?" He noted that Kaidan furrowed his brows annoyed, "I mean," Shepard quickly added, "It's a position most would kill for."

"Truth?" Kaidan said.

"Yes."

"The ABM purged the court for biotics, and in that process I and other brothers were sent away too." Kaidan said with a slight shrug.

"But…" Shepard looked at Kaidan puzzled, "I thought the biotics were just all reassigned to elsewhere."

"Oh they were." Kaidan said unable to hold the bitterness out of his tone. "They were dropped off in droves at the border."

"What?"

"With all due respect Knight-Commander." Kaidan just sighed, "If you believed the biotics merely removed from court and reassigned elsewhere in the province, you were lied to. They were stacked up on rickety wagons and shipped to the border of Everdark and told to walk."

"By Sovereign!" Shepard looked away from Kaidan for a moment, deep in thought.

"A biotic is not immune to the sickness…" Kaidan mumbled.

"But…" Shepard muttered, rerunning the scenario in his head, "I saw those wagons when I arrived back from the Queens Summer residence. They were full of servants, soldiers and officials – and their families." He turned and looked at Kaidan, "King James would never send tiny children to their deaths, no matter if they were born with the condition."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" Shepard snapped, and then sighed and meekly almost whispered, "No."

"A lot of the Brothers from the temple chose to follow the biotics in their exile, to support them with spiritual guidance. I came here with five other Brothers and a Senior Priest. There are three of us left."

Shepard hung his head, nodding slowly. "I should have protested more, maybe that would have saved some of the people on those carts."

"I don't think so." Kaidan said, pulling the bandage to support Shepard's arm once more. "Do you think that you could sway the King in such matters?"

"Once maybe." Shepard whispered.

"Knight-Commander…" Kaidan said, placing a warm hand on Shepard's chilly one.

"Shepard." He smiled a little apologetic, "Call me Shepard, we aren't in the army."

"Shepard." Kaidan repeated, it felt odd in his mouth to say, and he half way expected Shepard to be upset that he called him something so personal. "Don't blame yourself, there was nothing you could have done, you saved your wife from this fate, and that is something. You would just have caused harm to her or yourself if you had tried to openly stand up against Udina and the ABM."

Shepard nodded, "You know, Brother Alenko." He said, "I have been thinking, nothing much else to do while I lay here and wait for either recovery or death. That maybe that was exactly why I was sent on this campaign, I am not entirely sure they would have let me through the border even had I been victorious."

"You do not know that." Kaidan said.

"No I don't." Shepard nodded as he turned his shoulder, it made a loud crack sound in its socket, and he kept rolling it. "Feels okay, maybe my days of the sword aren't completely over yet."

Kaidan smiled, "Let's hope you are up and fit shortly."

"Yes." Shepard said. "I wanted to believe it Brother Alenko, I wanted to believe the story given, that all the biotics were just relocated and reassigned in other positions throughout the province. But I think that deep down inside I must have known something was wrong. I stopped them from taking my wife, convincing the guards that she was essential for court. I didn't even think about what would happen to everyone else who didn't have someone to stop the guards."

"The ABM is so much more dangerous than anyone thinks… With the ABM's numbers rising, I would think King James was afraid of a rebellion, and therefor just thought that if those with the condition was elsewhere, like in disease stricken provinces, then the ABM would have nothing to fear and ergo nothing to campaign against." Kaidan said softly.

"I think you could very well be right." Shepard nodded.

"Your wife is a biotic?" Kaidan asked, not really wanting to talk about Shepard's wife, but feeling horribly selfish, and stupid for avoiding that subject.

"Yes." Shepard said with a little smile that grew to a grin. "When I met her, she was living at her adoptive parent's inn, the local men and women would fawn at her feet, and she would deny them all. Jaqueline was never lady-like, and I guess what is what I loved about her, she was about as rowdy as one of the men, and could fight like nothing else I had ever seen. Most people with the condition I had ever met until then, would hide it, be ashamed of it. But not her, she would flaunt it and everyone was equally in love and afraid of her." Shepard's smile widened at the memory. "It came to pass that I was moving through that town with a garrison, we were to set up tent a mile outside the village, and the other soldiers would tell me stories about this crazy woman they had met in town. I saw her when we went into the inn one evening to have a drink, she was magnificent, and truly, she was. What I didn't know was that her father had told her to find a husband within a year, and if she didn't succeed, he would send her out on her own." Shepard looked down on his hands, "I thought I wanted a wife like everyone else, and I was her ticket out of that sleepy little town. And it all worked out in the end. I respect Jaqueline, I adore her and I trust her with my life, but I don't think we ever loved each other. Call it a marriage of convenience if you must, but that was what it was." He sighed heavily, "And now I am to blame for sending her back to that cauldron of small minds, heavy with child and no husband to show for it."

"I'm sorry." Kaidan said.

"I'm guessing that the child is born by now." Shepard said softly, sadly. "I didn't want that child to begin with, but no one deserves the fate that they must endure. I just wish that my son or daughter isn't born with the condition as well."

"At least you know she is well, and you can ride to her as soon as you are fit to travel." Kaidan said with a tiny smile, which he felt was more fake than a whore in a Brother's cape.

"First I will try and repay your kindness." Shepard said with a yawn, already drained by staying awake this long. "Undo what they did to you…" He mumbled.

"First," Kaidan said softly, "You must rest." He patted Shepard's shoulder lightly, "I will be back this evening, with some food, and see to your arm and your fever again."

"Yes." Shepard mumbled half asleep.

The next day Kaidan was whistling to himself as he walked down the dark, cold corridor with his arms full of clothes. He had managed to secure some smallclothes, pants and a shirt, and best of all he had found that Shepard's boots had not been burned along with the rest of his belongings upon his arrival. Kaidan pushed the door open with his foot finding Shepard sleeping. "Good morning Shepard." He said merrily, grinning as Shepard stirred in bed. "I have something for you."

"Food I hope." Shepard mumbled, pulling the cover up over his shoulder.

"Not quite Ser." He put the clothes down on his own cot, "I look the liberty to discuss your recovery with the Senior Priest, and he agreed with me that you most likely will not regress now. And so we can let you out of this room and access to the rest of the temple grounds. I do however not think you are well enough to travel, you still have some recovery to do, but it's nothing a little time and sun won't cure."

Shepard sat up with a labored groan.

"I brought you clothes." Kaidan said happily, "I hope they fit because it was hard to come by." He silenced the question he could see on Shepard's face with a calming hand gesture. "Your clothes were all burned when you arrived here; your armor is still locked up, as is your weapons." He pointed at the bundle, "But your boots were not destroyed, I take it that someone thought that they could make a quick coin off them in town."

"Thank you Brother Alenko." Shepard said with a little amused smile, amused because Kaidan was so excited about so little. "So does this mean I will recover completely?"

"Yes I believe so." Kaidan said, "Do you need help getting clothed?"

"No." Shepard huffed.

"Very well," Kaidan bowed slightly and went for the door, "I will wait out here, call for me when you are done."

Shepard was sweating as a pig just from the effort of swinging his legs out over the side of the bed. He reached for the bundle and started dressing himself, he was about halfway through when Kaidan knocked the door and asked if he was well. Shepard just grunted something in reply, and finished dressing himself clumsily. "Brother?" He called.

"Yes?" Kaidan leaned into the room. "Are you done dressing?"

"I am." Shepard said,

Kaidan resisted the smile that would have crept up on him seeing Shepard sitting there on the haystack; it was nothing short of a miracle. "Are you ready to venture outside? The weather is lovely today."

"Outside? Well… I suppose…" Shepard nodded, "Yes."

"I brought you something more." Kaidan said, holding out a makeshift crutch, "I will aid you, but you haven't used your legs for so long, that I hardly think you are going to skip down the corridor."

Shepard smiled relieved, and took Kaidan's outstretched hand, letting himself be pulled to his feet. Alenko hadn't been far off, Shepard's legs were sore and wobbly, and he had to lean heavily on Alenko till he got a good grip on the crutch, he grit his teeth as he tried to level his weight, leaning more on the crutch and his good arm, while the injured one rested on Alenko's shoulder.

Kaidan got a good grip around Shepard's waist, and nodded, "Come then." He slowly started to walk letting Shepard set the pace.

Before they even stepped outside, Shepard winched. "What is that smell?" He asked under his breath.

"It is – " Kaidan paused as he adjusted his grip on Shepard. "The fire pits."

Shepard turned his head and looked at Kaidan, "Dead livestock? People? Both?"

"Both." Kaidan nodded, "It's crude but necessary, I am sure you know this." He smiled a little sadly at Shepard, "Being used to the battlefield and all."

"Yes and no." Shepard admitted.

They stepped outside in the pale sunlight, grey specks rained down on them as if it was snowing in summer. They both knew what it was, but chose to leave it at that. However, the fire pits were far from the worst part, when Shepard was in the temple courtyard he could look out over the rather large settlement that had emerged around the hill upon which the temple was built. Shepard sat down with great care on a stone from what had once been a wall around the courtyard, "That is a lot of people." He whispered as he looked out over the settlement and its sickly looking inhabitants.

"All sorts came here, some came with is all the way from court, and others came when their village was burned down, or their crops had failed for third year in a row. Starvation forced a large part of the local population to find other means of survival, some joined the rebel army, others became highwaymen, and some came here and other places like it to…" Kaidan said softly, sitting down next to Shepard.

"Die?" Shepard said in a near whisper. "I cannot imagine that anything can grow in this place."

"A lot die." Kaidan admitted, "A lot come down with the sickness, and every day there is more people joining us, deserters from either army stuck in this place." He sighed, "No one comes here because they want to, they come here in the hope of help or a cure."

"There is no cure." Shepard said, looking away from the depressing settlement and looking at Alenko, "Is there?"

"No." Kaidan said, "We simply don't know why some survive and some die, but if you were to ask me, then the better stocked you are, the better your chances of survival are. I am no doctor but I bet my life that many of these poor souls could have been saved if they had not been so weak from other diseases and ailments."

"That makes sense." Shepard said.

"The temple houses those bedridden, but we simply cannot accommodate everyone who seeks us out." Kaidan gestured out over the settlement, "The people built this, and more tents and huts are made every day as more come. They come here looking for spiritual salvation, while living in their own filth. I cannot help but to feel horrible that I can't do more for them."

Shepard sat listening to Alenko, while looking down at the people milling about down between the tents, watching as the grey residue slowly descended on everything. "What do they eat? I see no fields or livestock around."

"War, famine and plague left these lands destitute, as I said before then the crops have failed the farmers for years now, most the livestock died. Even had these men been hunters there is not enough wild game around anymore to feed a family, little less an entire village."

"Animals got the sickness too?" Shepard asked, surprised to hear that.

"Yes and no." Kaidan said with a slight shrug. "My guess is that whatever caused the crops to fail also poisoned the animals that ate the greens."

"And the people who eat the animals?" Shepard asked, shifting in his seat, slightly disturbed.

"I have seen people attempt to eat sick and rotten meat, only to get sick themselves. But hunger will drive people to eat things you would not believe." Kaidan said solemnly.

"Oh I would." Shepard nodded, "I never saw it myself, but I heard many a battle tale about soldiers being left for dead in secluded areas, and they would eat their own friends. Madness is sure to follow once one turns to cannibalism, and the stories go that these soldiers got a taste for it." Shepard looked up into the skies, "I am sure that these stories are mostly cautionary tales, but it is not so farfetched."

Kaidan nodded, and even if the talk they had was dark, he was surprised that Shepard was this easy to have a meaningful conversation with, he seemed genuinely interested in these people's wellbeing, something Kaidan had never thought in a million years.

"You never answered me, Brother Alenko. What do these people eat then?"

"Nothing." Kaidan said, "We attempt to feed them every other or third day. Solely on recourses that some people still place at the temple. Sometimes it is valuables sometimes it is cloth. We attempt to get food to the children every day."

"I imagine there is not a whole lot of those left. Children I mean." Shepard said with a deflated expression.

"No there are not." Kaidan admitted.

"I have been fed every day since I woke." Shepard said unsettled, "Who's food have I been eating?" He turned to Kaidan, "Please tell me you didn't take it from a child's ration."

"It's more complex than that." Kaidan said. "We are stuck knee deep in death out here in the middle of the wilderness, and still they play the court game."

"Politics." Shepard said with disgust.

"Yes." Kaidan said, "We are in dire needs here, if we are to save these people, we need funding from home, and you were a fate-sent. Surely you understand that."

Shepard nodded, he had spent too many years learning how to navigate in court to miss the badly hidden intent. "If you could save me, you would have someone in your debt, someone close to the King."

"Exactly."

"You could not have known that I have not been close with the King since the old King was still alive. So I cannot do what you wish from me." Shepard said. "Was that why I got the Royal treatment? And – " He almost didn't dare word it. "What will happen now that you know that I am not the salvation you thought I was."

"Nothing." Kaidan said gently, "What you have is what I gave you."

Shepard studied Alenko's expression.

Kaidan took a deep breath and said, "I was not always a Brother, and before I came to be one, I lived a life of privilege. This is not important, besides that, I know how to remember information, store it away in my head to use later. It was a skill I acquired with my mother's milk."

"Nobles." Shepard whispered mostly to himself.

"I overheard you talking with the Senior Priest at court, and I thought to myself that if you were really the Kings right hand, then why would you argue with the Senior Priest? You would just have asked the King for a permit, but clearly, you struggled with obtaining one. And I admit that I already knew that your wife was biotic because of this incident, because otherwise you would not need a permit." Kaidan looked up into the sky and smiled to himself, "I did as I was told when you arrived here, but kept this information to myself. I knew that you were not the champion that the Senior Priest here was hoping you were. Moreover, to answer your question, then the rations you ate were mine, and the cell where you have been sleeping is mine, I gave you this by own volition. You were always kind to me when we met at court, I am sure you do not remember, but I do."

"You gave up all that for me? Why would you do that Brother?" Shepard asked, feeling absolutely dirty, he did not want Alenko's sacrifice, nor had he asked for it.

"Because I wanted to." Kaidan countered.

It took a while before Shepard spoke. "You nursed me back to life, you mended my bones and kept me safe when I needed it the most. I cannot do what your Senior Priest asks of me, but I swear I will find another way of repaying your kindness."

"Lofty words." Kaidan muttered.

"And true." Shepard said. "Do you want your cell back? I don't feel right taking it from you."

Kaidan smiled, "You can stay in my cell for as long as you wish."

"What about you?" Shepard asked.

"I have been sharing a cot with a Brother." Kaidan stated.

"Oh." Shepard said, smiling as he looked away from Kaidan. "Then all is well."

Kaidan did not bother to set Shepard straight, reminding him that all Brothers took a vow of chastity and whatever Shepard's vulgar mind could conjure up was not true. He just sighed heavily, "Do you need help to get back in bed?"

"Yes please." Shepard said, standing with much difficulty. "Tomorrow, can we go down there?" He asked, nodding towards the settlement.

"If you wish." Kaidan said, wrapping an arm around Shepard's waist, aiding him back to the cell.


End file.
